I plan on posting a lot tonight.
It's time for everything in my head to come out.


Things I loved about you

The way you stared at me when I close my eyes, then you closed your eyes and I stared at you

How perfectly your hand fit in mine

How you seemed so strong on the outside, but I could tell you were so sweet on the inside

The way you said I love you, because you sounded so shy

How you were so interested in my life and what I was doing

How you remembered everything I said to you perfectly

When you texted me randomly

When you told me I’m one of the most perfect girls you’ve ever met

How you were too shy to hold my hand, in case I didn’t want you to

The awkward moments - because they weren’t really awkward at all

How much you have passions for things
Your laugh/smile

How you always made fun of me - I secretly loved it

What a loser you are, because I am too

How you admitted defeat and say sorry when I wouldn’t let you win a fight

The way you made the butterflies in my stomach flutter every time I saw your smile

How much you made me love you.

But now they are things of the past, since we broke up. I’m slowly getting over every one of these ways I loved you by replacing them with things I don’t like about you. I don’t think it’s working too well, though, because I know they will each still be in the back of my head because you were my first love and I will never forget you or a single thing that I loved about you. And truthfully, I still love most of those things. I’ll miss every one of them.

When you are in the infinite state of infatuation, a feeling no word or emotion could ever come close to describing, you feel as though this life is worth living.
And when you lose it, its unreal. Its a pain i cant describe.
Every muscle in my body tenses and my heart pounds so hard i feel like it will kill me.
The thing i have learned most, is that this pain proves to me that my heart and felt a happiness i may never feel again.
I now know from my suffering that the time period in which i did feel this happiness was worth it.
There are few moments in life in which i believe we find true happiness, a moment in which everything stands still and every emotion thought or worry is gone, and your a single soul floating in a world of ecstasy.
Its a feeling i wouldnt trade for anything.
There is no real conclusion to this, because its undescribable.
I do know, that this pain i have felt, this feeling of hopelessness only shows me, i did once fall in love.
And every ounce of faith in me, is devoted to the thought of reliving the happiness.
When I think about you not being here with me (I actually think about you all the time), it makes me sick to my stomach.
I miss you so much it physically hurts.
Whenever I talk about you, I feel a knot in my throat.
I can't picture myself with anyone but you.
And time goes by and does it's cray thing but, how I feel doesn't change, it never goes away, even when I hate you for leaving me, for not loving me enough, it doesn't weather.
How I cried myself to sleep wishing I could feel you close to me one more time.
How I wish I could just stop feeling because it hurts so much.
I want to move on, I want to walk away and just remember you every now and then as someone I was fond of.
I'm tired and frustrated because I don't understand you, I don't know what it is that you want or feel... sometimes I think you don't even know that yourself.
I can go and conquer the world and make my wildest dreams come true but, in the end you are not here.
I feel as if I lost a part of me, you took and I want it back. I play it cool, I cry when no one sees me, I dream of you.
I'm in hell.