I'm not allowed to have fun.
It's clearly against the rules.

Sorry for trying to enjoy my life for the first time in fuck knows how long.
I'm so angry on the inside.
And hurt.

I love my job.
I love it. Honestly, 100%.
I love the work, I love the people, I love the feel of it.
Agh, it's amazing.

I went to a shindig on Sunday night with all the people from work.
And engaged in quite a bit of debauchery.
The night ended with a bit of a jaunt in the hot tub, then a nice shower and about an hour's sleep haha.
But I was with all these amazing people.
It was like time passed so quickly it didn't actually happen.
For the first part of the night I kidnapped Jarrod's Donnatello toy and we sat around with a guitar, singing about everything and anything that came up in conversation.
Mind you, this ranged from an ode to TMNT, vaginas with teeth, the binary code and a plethora of other wonderfully absurd topics.

I'm looking forward to this extension exam on Friday, once i've done that, I'm officially halfway through these stupid exams.
Thank god.



But somehow, everything seems so surreal.

I had an interview at The Body Shop today.
There were 20 odd other ladies in the room with me.


I just got a phone call saying I got the job...WIN.
I feell good about that. Real good.

However, the Kavon crew tell me there's another girl doing a trial on Saturday night.
Hopefully she'll just be a douchebag and won't fit in.
As mean and terrible as that sounds, I really, really want that job.
The people there are fan-freaking-tastic and I felt like I really belonged there.

Ew, the 'b' word. I used it.

Anyways.
Fingers crossed!

So I don't know what's going on with Brendon.
I can't appear to get my head around it.

I told him that I can't do a relationship right now, and he just had no respect for my decision at all.
He keeps texting me and guilt-tripping me and just making me feel rubbish.

It's bullshit.

So anyways, yesterday was my last day of school ever.
And tonight is my graduation.
Apparently I'm getting awards...but have no idea what for or anything.
Ah well.

I can see a kookaburra sitting on the fence.
And for some reason kookaburra doesn't seem like a real word haha.

I've got a job trial happening at the Kavon, which is a theme restraunt, it's pretty fun.
Everyone there is heaps friendly and helpful.
Not to mention the vast majority are really, really attractive haha.

Stupid pop music describing how I feel.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go

And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone

You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong

I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on,
So I'm already gone

I plan on posting a lot tonight.
It's time for everything in my head to come out.


Things I loved about you

The way you stared at me when I close my eyes, then you closed your eyes and I stared at you

How perfectly your hand fit in mine

How you seemed so strong on the outside, but I could tell you were so sweet on the inside

The way you said I love you, because you sounded so shy

How you were so interested in my life and what I was doing

How you remembered everything I said to you perfectly

When you texted me randomly

When you told me I’m one of the most perfect girls you’ve ever met

How you were too shy to hold my hand, in case I didn’t want you to

The awkward moments - because they weren’t really awkward at all

How much you have passions for things
Your laugh/smile

How you always made fun of me - I secretly loved it

What a loser you are, because I am too

How you admitted defeat and say sorry when I wouldn’t let you win a fight

The way you made the butterflies in my stomach flutter every time I saw your smile

How much you made me love you.

But now they are things of the past, since we broke up. I’m slowly getting over every one of these ways I loved you by replacing them with things I don’t like about you. I don’t think it’s working too well, though, because I know they will each still be in the back of my head because you were my first love and I will never forget you or a single thing that I loved about you. And truthfully, I still love most of those things. I’ll miss every one of them.

When you are in the infinite state of infatuation, a feeling no word or emotion could ever come close to describing, you feel as though this life is worth living.
And when you lose it, its unreal. Its a pain i cant describe.
Every muscle in my body tenses and my heart pounds so hard i feel like it will kill me.
The thing i have learned most, is that this pain proves to me that my heart and felt a happiness i may never feel again.
I now know from my suffering that the time period in which i did feel this happiness was worth it.
There are few moments in life in which i believe we find true happiness, a moment in which everything stands still and every emotion thought or worry is gone, and your a single soul floating in a world of ecstasy.
Its a feeling i wouldnt trade for anything.
There is no real conclusion to this, because its undescribable.
I do know, that this pain i have felt, this feeling of hopelessness only shows me, i did once fall in love.
And every ounce of faith in me, is devoted to the thought of reliving the happiness.
When I think about you not being here with me (I actually think about you all the time), it makes me sick to my stomach.
I miss you so much it physically hurts.
Whenever I talk about you, I feel a knot in my throat.
I can't picture myself with anyone but you.
And time goes by and does it's cray thing but, how I feel doesn't change, it never goes away, even when I hate you for leaving me, for not loving me enough, it doesn't weather.
How I cried myself to sleep wishing I could feel you close to me one more time.
How I wish I could just stop feeling because it hurts so much.
I want to move on, I want to walk away and just remember you every now and then as someone I was fond of.
I'm tired and frustrated because I don't understand you, I don't know what it is that you want or feel... sometimes I think you don't even know that yourself.
I can go and conquer the world and make my wildest dreams come true but, in the end you are not here.
I feel as if I lost a part of me, you took and I want it back. I play it cool, I cry when no one sees me, I dream of you.
I'm in hell.

Just to pause this
Just to catch the warning sign

That I adore you

I adore you

It's a telling time

This wearing my heart on my sleeve, oh

I adore you

I adore you

I don't really want to see the back of this

When everything about me really drives you crazy

I don't really want to see the back of this
Cause everything about me really drives me crazy

Waiting on you to get in touch
A burning cigarette
It's gonna run out
You're dead darling
What the hell have you done to me
This can't be done
How hard it is
No point
We have to go with it all
Take the leap, oh darling
There's no going back from there

Just to pause this
Just to catch the warning sign
I adore you
I adore you

It's a telling time
This wearing my heart on my sleeve
I adore this
I adore this
I don't really want to see the back of this
But everything about me really drives you crazy
I don't really want to see the back of this
Cause everything about me really drives you crazy

Waiting on you to get in touch
A burning cigarette
It's gonna run out
You're dead darling
What the hell have you done to me
This can't be done
How hard it is
No point
We either to go with it or
Take the leap, oh darling
There's no going back from there

You are.

Just to pause this
Just to catch the warning sign
That I adore you
I adore you







How can I be the one in the wrong for wanting to spend time with you.
For not caring how much I get hurt.
For thinking about nothing else except how much you always say you want me.
And for loving you.
Unconditionally.
I don't understand how that can hurt you.
I don't understand how I've done anything wrong.
Apparantly love hurts.
And apparantly it hurts more when you're the only one willing to take risks.

I haven't blogged in too long.
Blogged really.

I've lost touch with reality.
And I wanted to make something beautiful.
But I can't.

“I even know you’re an alcoholic,” he said.

“And I don’t care, you’re still perfect.”

You want to know why nice guys finish last? It’s because they aren’t willing to take a chance, they’re too tied to their rules. They see their girl at her most vulnerable moment, and instead of doing what they perceive as a dick move, they put their arms around her and they hold her. They listen to her weep and they don’t take control of the situation. She’s too precious to cut off. Let her weep.Let me tell you this: nothing makes a broken woman feel more beautiful than to have a man swoop in and push her up against a wall to tell her how much better she is than that. To kiss her, I mean really kiss her, regardless of what she might think about that. You know why nice guys finish last? It’s because when a guy leaves you for no good reason and you feel like you’ve been reduced to nothing, my nice guy won’t come over and say the things I really need to hear to understand that he loves me, I mean really loves me. Us ladies, we know we’re beautiful, we know we’re intelligent, we know we’re worth it and we’ll find “him” someday. What we really need to hear and more importantly feel (at that moment — from you, the nice guy)) is that we’re sexy, that our inner organs that separate us from you guys are actually worth something. That we’re so beautiful that you can’t and don’t care whether or not that kiss you’ve so desperately wanted to plant on us is going to ruin our friendship. We want you, the nice guy, to rebel against your rules and just do what feels right. Take control of the situation and tell us that this is fucking it, you are in love with me. You are so in love with me that you are so unbelievably ready to ruin our friendship for a chance at love. That you are willing to pick up that bat and attempt to hit the ball out of the fucking stadium. Because either you strike out or you hit a home run. No one wants to sit in the dugout. But you don’t. You sit in the dugout and you tell us that we’re pretty, and not fat. That we’re worth it. And that the other guy is just stupid and doesn’t know what he’s missing. You’re too nice. You’re too good of a friend. Be a man. Make the call. Try your best to force us to love you. Because in the end, you’re right. Nice guys do finish last. So how about you buck up and become something else. Because otherwise you’re going to lose us, you’re going to lose me.

Had a terrible month.

No wallet
No iPod
No window
No car
No boyfriend
No money
No marks good enough for the course I want

I just want to hide until everything is okay again.
Hide and never come out.

Obviously no matter what I've done it's never been good enough for you in your eyes.
It's come to the time where I've decided I deserve someone who makes me happy. All the time.
Not just when it suits them.
Even if having to do this has killed me.
I've never done anything for me in this whole so-called relationship.
I've always been the one who gets walked all over and intimidated.
And I've known all along that you've never really needed me for anything more than what you felt like at the time.
And as I sit here typing this I'm crying because it never should have had to come to this.
But look at us now.